I want to share the process one of my poems took in editing. "Streaming Stars" was one of the poems I reworked in the Creative Block Busters workshop presented by Lisa Gentile. I'm going to share the original poem, and the thought process behind the transformation it made.
This poem uses the form Bref Double. I think I wrote myself into a corner with the form and don't like the ending.
What does the poem want?
Inspiration - watching meteor shower from mountain top, wanting to catch that moment as I may not experience another; challenge to try a new poetry form.
Senses - feeling the cold, seeing a contrast of light and dark, hearing silence
Tools - Bref Double (rhyme scheme), imagery, repetition of light
Want to catch the moment, so everyone can experience the amazing meteor shower. so beautiful, yet fleeting.
Light and it's rhymes are scattered throughout, like the falling stars, in no immediate pattern. Fleeting existence of beauty. Still has purpose, wishes, sparking imagination. Contrast between light and dark (around my shoulders I wrap the night, making the experience a part of me).
The Bref Double form was a great starting place for me, but I realized it also forced some aspects (such as the final couplet) onto the poem that didn't work for the theme. One of the patterns I noticed was the repetition of words rhyming with "light", not just as end-rhymes, but scattered throughout the poem, like the stars across the sky. I changed "brilliant" to "bright" to enhance that more. The theme the poem wants finally popped out at me as I re-read the first line. It's about making that night a part of me, not just describing the meteor shower. So I moved some lines around and changed the ending to reflect that.
Streaming Stars (revised)
Around my shoulders, I wrap the night
As I perch on the mountaintop,
Shivering in anticipation
For the lightshow premiere.
The first light darts across the sky
Followed by more streaming stars,
So bright until they disappear.
Wishes will be born tonight.
I do not envy the meteor's plight--
A light so quickly burning out--
But in my heart they persevere
In splendid and untamed flight.
The revised poem was included in the Lifelines poetry anthology.
This is our December book for The Enchanted Garden Book Club. Toads and Diamonds is a retelling of a Charles Perrault's tale. This is the first novel length version I have read, and I highly enjoyed it. Rather than taking place in a European setting, this book takes place in a fictionalized India. The two religions central to the story are both fictional but still feel authentic. Tomlinson did a wonderful job bringing the cultures and characters to life. I felt like I could step into their world.
Another refreshing change to to the tale is the family relationship. Like the original, there is a step-family. Diribani lives with her step-mother and step-sister, Tana. Unlike most fairy-tales, they all get along and care for each other. There is no wicked step-family here. The other big change that surprised me was the gifts the sisters got. Both went to the well and encountered the goddess, who listened to their hearts desire. One sister came out speaking flowers and gemstones, the other speaking toads and snakes. Yet both here are blessings, and not curses. They may not always see them that way, and of course other characters react in their own manner, but there is no clear "good sister" "bad sister" here.
Both sisters have their unique trials and tribulations as a result of their gifts, and must learn how to make the best of them. Despite the differences in their individual journeys, there are many echoes between the two that I enjoyed noticing.
The only thing I felt lacking was the end. I would have loved a short epilogue showing what came after. It still felt satisfactory, and I highly recommend this book. For a deeper discussion, check back later this month on our Enchanted Garden blog. In the meantime, come join us in our Facebook group to discuss this book and all things fairytale.
Mary W. Jensen. Author, poet, gamer, library shelver.